Do you think someday soon you will have the time?
I could use another hand to help pull me through,
Some days these hospital stays get the best of me.
My wife went into the hospital last week for what appeared to be appendicitis. When they went in to get the troublesome appendix, they also found a large tumor in her colon. We’ve been praying a lot since hearing the word “cancer,” praying in the words of Damien Jurado’s “Cloudy Shoes,” praying that Jesus would soon have the time to pull us through hospital stays, days apart, futures uncertain, and more trials ahead.
Damien Jurado’s ethereal, slowcore seems to be the right pace for these days. Oh, they got the whole tumor, it didn’t get into the lymph nodes, and while they’re recommending chemotherapy, she has a great prognosis. Yet, being bowled over that your wife, mother of your three children, a woman in her 30’s could be faced with such an ordeal, well, it just sends me to Jurado’s voice echoing among the recesses of College/Art Rock. There’s some Neil Young experimentation there on Saint Bartlett. There’s some AltCountry in there somewhere. Mainly, you are able to just sit at the feet of a mysterious songwriter who evokes more than tells.
One day you will be taller than the sky
Until that day you will be here with us below
I need Jesus to be with us through these days. One day He will return, bring all this sh** to an end, so that everyone below can finally disconnect all of the IV drip tubes forever. One day He will return to bring those who believe to an eternal dream that He always had in mind instead of this broken down, empty, void, cancerous place.
But until that day, I’ll hum along with Jurado, hum and trust that Jesus will be with us here below the skies. I’ll trust that Jesus is with us now through the upcoming months of treatments for my wife. I’ll trust that Jesus is able to hold us up, buoy us, send us encouraging words—words that are personal from family and friends and also words that come from distant voices like songs by Damien Jurado.
Trying to fix my mind
I’m still trying to fix my mind
Trying to work it out
I’m still trying to fix my mind
Meanwhile, I’m back in St. Louis at Concordia Seminary working on classes for my Doctor of Ministry. I’ll be here another two weeks “trying to fix my mind.” Although I don’t think that’s what Jurado means. More than learning academically, “I’m still trying to fix my mind” on Jesus, keep focused on Him through this incredibly difficult ordeal. Chapel every day, talking to pastoral professors, encouragement from fellow students, these are all contributing to help me fix my eyes on Jesus.
Yet, in Jurado’s haunting but slowly rocking song, there’s also room for the Holy Spirit; that the Holy Spirit is the only One who can truly fix my mind on Jesus, fix my mind from its doubt-and-dissension, fix my mind on things above, fix my mind on Jesus while there’s a flood of reasons to lose focus. And for that, I am very thankful to have Saint Bartlett as a companion these days.
Damien Jurado
Secretly Canadian
